How it has to be

I got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis in early 2012, fibromyalgia and anxiety not long after. With time, I came to realize the more stress I was under, the worse my pain. When I was still working for Mordor (it’s a cute name I’ve given my previous employer), they were harassing me pretty badly and there were a few times when it got so bad that my back would spasm. When it would do that, I couldn’t sit upright and the pain was so awful that the only way I can illustrate it is to say it felt like a doctor was doing an epidural and messing up REALLY. REALLY. Badly! NEUROLOGY, NEUROLOGY!

Once I was no longer working for them, I saw some improvement in some of the pain. Enter my mother…a source of pain and I found that trying to compromise and appease her also caused me physical pain. I had to limit how much interaction there was and as time went on, this wasn’t difficult because once I was of no use to her she didn’t contact me much anyway. Once CPS was no longer involved in our grandchild’s case and she’d adopted our grandchild, she began keeping the grandchild from us and trying to confront her too much would’ve cost me quite a lot and each day, I had (still have as I type this) children to take care of–a father–my eldest daughter and her b/f and their child. I just had to be careful how very much I took on.

At this point, I’d really rather have people around me who love me and look for what’s right about me rather than what all is wrong with me. Having those around me capable of understanding my health situation and feeling compassion doesn’t hurt either.  I don’t mind looking at what’s wrong and working on those things, but I finally accept that there are those that prefer to see what’s wrong with you to a point where they’ll even make things up in their mind to justify their negative thought patterns. Crazy how some folks will believe anything negative ever spoken about you, but the moment the person hears something positive about you, they discount it as lie.

Being denied my grandchild was the final straw. After years of crap…horrible stuff, really…this was the final straw.


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