Personal accountability

Personal accountability seems to be quite the commodity and rarity in our person to person environment. Everyone is right, nobody wants to be wrong. Something is missing, yet nobody took it.

Truth is, we’re all right and we’re all wrong…the issue is, only ONE of us can admit it–that’s where the problem is.

Admitting ones wrongs puts a person on a vulnerable plane of existence and some do not handle that too well. As for me, I learned awhile back that the only “control” I have is over myself. My responses. My actions. My behavior. That’s all on me and nobody is responsible for it BUT me…but I can’t be responsible for the other person.

We’re having some (extended) family strife at the moment. I’m working through it, it’s painful but I’m working through it. I’d rather post it here and get it off my chest than bore anyone with it. I mean, not too many people read these. Do they?

We can’t be responsible for other people’s behaviors..their ability to communicate or not, their choice to listen to negative, possibly untrue words of another…we can only focus on our own behavior and growth. Those blind with hate, will stay blind with hate until they see the error in their judgment and viewpoint. A lot of times we truly do see things in others that we ourselves are battling but I assure you…in no way have I ever kept my children from their grandmother or supported their lack of respect thereof.

The younger children are not attuned to our adult issues, nor did we discuss it in front of them. Recently it’s been a bit of an issue admittedly. I take full responsibility for that.

Our granddaughter is being withheld from us, you see. For reasons unknown. It was a slow descent into this oblivion that we noted began when CPS was no longer involved with our grandchild and N (AKA-My mother, but who is henceforth referred to as N for privacy) adopted our grandchild. With time, the older children are able to put things together on their own and have questions such as, “why haven’t we seen (granddaughter) in so long, what’s going on!?” My response can not be a lie-I have to tell them this, “I have asked Grandma…she has not responded (if she hasn’t responded) or she wasn’t clear (some answers are vague and derisive)…” or, “I have asked Grandma, but I think they’re busy…” That latter one I had to use a lot initially but as the months wore on, they wouldn’t buy it anymore.

If someone wants to hate you, than they will and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I just decided it doesn’t have to matter. I just feel bad that my grandchild is being used as a pawn for revenge.

About a year ago, we were going to finally get her for a visit. We were told several times to NOT tell her that my daughter is her real mother. Well, ok. I agreed to this figuring that her rules for our grandchild were her rules as her adoptive mother and she had the right to have those respected as I would want my rules for my children respected (nevermind that she didn’t do a good job of this when my kids visited, ok? Let’s set that aside otherwise we’re just deferring) anyway  I had to respect her wishes as I wanted my rules for my children to be respected.

What proceeded to happen was several calls to reiterate this “rule.” I agreed to it, the rest of the family here agreed to it-I’m not sure what more we could’ve done to allay her fears. The morning I was due to pick her up, it was 8 am and I got another call. Admittedly, I’d just opened my eyeballs and hadn’t even the chance to grab a coffee so that I could fully wake up. It was her wanting to reiterate for a 3rd or 4th time what her rule was…and admittedly, I lost my composure a bit and asked her if she even wanted us to see her because it really felt like she was trying to talk us out of it. She continued her tirade so I finally had enough and said, “nevermind then” and hung up.

Looking back, I wonder if her behavior wasn’t purposeful but I try to think the best of people and figure perhaps we both were just having an off day. Anyway, apparently and according to her, when our poor grandchild found out, she “cried for 30 minutes..” (as told by my daughter after her Thanksgiving visit with them)

My actions had a direct negative reaction with my grandchild and I truly hadn’t considered that in that moment. I let my annoyed feelings get in the way and I am terribly sorry. Truly. It was a horrible thing to do! Last month when we finally talked (because I called her to address something) she brought it up…I said I was sorry, because I truly am-however she does not believe me. Nothing can change what I did. I let someone bring out an inappropriate response in myself and that is ALL. ON. ME. I am truly, truly sorry. Hurting my grandchild is something I’d never KNOWINGLY do.  There was no malice. But alas…she doesn’t believe that nor would she accept my apology. Her response was, “riiight, riiight..I’m sure you’re really sorry!”

When I had a chance to think things through I realized…I don’t think N has ever said she was sorry for anything. Not really, not with meaning. So if she isn’t sorry, perhaps she doesn’t believe anyone else can be sorry. Trust when I say, I am absolutely sorry! I am not just sorry because I don’t get to see her anymore, I am sorry that what I did HURT HER. But I can’t be to blame for everything. For N, accepting the things she’s done just isn’t possible..she’d rather blame others…

blame

During that conversation, she didn’t even sound like herself. Full of hate, anger…resentment. About two years back in the fall, my sister offered to meet us at a farm in Snohomish, Washington. She’d said that the Frozen princesses would be there and our grandchild was to go meet them and get photos. We agreed upon a day and eagerly waited. When the day came, that morning my sister called and said she was “on the way.” So, we loaded up and off we went. B (my b/f), myself, his son C, our son A,  J and D and baby L.

We got there and we waited several hours at the farm, my sister never showed-she never even called. When I addressed this with our grandchilds adoptive parent (my mother), we were told flippantly “oh well…maybe she had something come up.” I will add here she has since denied being aware at all but I swear on my life I asked her at least twice about this. When I finally got ahold of my sister she claimed they were sick. Somehow, THIS was ok. My sister still gets to see her. Our youngest son was pretty upset that day. He cried. He misses her, they were close…but again, my sister does it and it’s ok. I get the idea the expectations for ME are awfully different than they are for her. I forgive, though. I truly do. As the saying goes, “People can only meet you as far as you’ve met yourself.” Your tools are the tools you have and that’s all you have while HOPEFULLY gaining new ones. I accept that not everyone can communicate. I accept that not everyone can be honest. I accept that not everyone has love within them…I accept that other people are different than myself but where does that leave us?

Where does that leave our grandbaby girl? That leaves her without her right to her grandmothers (the paternal grandmother is/was being denied her right to see her as well) and her grandfather. That leaves her without her right to know her uncles, aunts. That leaves her with far fewer support systems than she’d otherwise have. That leaves her robbed.

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