Hi there, something occurred to me today as I work through things. It sort of popped into my mind. Money has seemingly been the root of importance and an overall theme with N.
When she was guardian to my grandchild, I was once cussed out for not sending her money. She once screamed, when she needs help, she should get it! I agree, by all means…you have been a source of wonderful support in this regard, but if you won’t ask for help, how does anyone know you need it!? Especially when you try to be so strong and confident. Especially when I offered help other occasions (your storage for example and on multiple occasions) and all I got was a resounding, “No…” Are you afraid to ask? Do you feel people will lose respect for you? Did you lose respect for me when I had to borrow money? You see in others what is in yourself. What of the birth parents? Did they financially help you? No? I see. Grandma is responsible.
Most know that it’s ok to ask for help once in awhile, we all need it from time to time and if you have someone you can trust, perhaps it is ok. I truly never knew you needed money. If you had ever asked, I would’ve collected aluminum cans to get you some money but being a single mother, making 15.00 per hour at that time, I was lucky I had a roof over my kids’ heads.
Oddly, when I was finally able to scrape together 400.00 to give you, you used it for another purpose besides our grandbaby. You don’t trust me so it doesn’t matter what I say. You’ve had someone in your ear all these years to influence your view of me (plus whoever else that maybe didn’t want less time with Divi?) so I will just say that I love the grandbaby and would go to the moon and back for her. If I had known you were hurting for cash, I would’ve found a way. Somehow. Things were awfully tough at that time, but I know that doesn’t matter either because I don’t get excuses.
I know some out there will ask, why am I sharing this with the world. I understand that thought. Perhaps for you, you’d rather keep things to yourself and I respect that-for me, I must air it to let it go. Recently, their gloves came off–so now, I am taking off mine.
I am not ashamed of anything. On the other hand, I am sorry for my own part in the whole thing. It just IS. It’s part of my life and I accept that. To move forward, I want to air it ALL so that I can fully appreciate letting it go. I will get it out of my system and then some of my notes will turn to other topics. It just feels good to get it out! I couldn’t get a word in edgewise with Harpy 1 and Harpy 2 tries to present a neutral front, but reality is she could very well be the cause of a lot of this. I couldn’t tell her the things I wanted to, the things I needed to…she has completely shut down and something else has taken over. It saddened me…I learned she isn’t my mother anymore. I knew it was a long time coming, though. I never did fit in with either of them. I do not search for or need pity, though. I have many-many around me who truly do love me. I am a blessed woman who is grateful for a vast much, I assure you. I just must get this out. I doubt anyone will read it anyway…but it’s my side.
I came across a blog called, “Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.” I talks about the Scapegoat and the Goldenchild and wow was that a wallop to the mind and heart…
The person says, “It’s very common for Narcissistic Mothers to have a Golden Child and Scapegoat dynamic going on in their family.
What this means is this: one child in the family is the Golden Child, and one or more is the Scapegoat.
The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful child – at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden Child to be an extension of herself, onto whom she projects all her own supposed wonderfulness.
The Golden Child can do no wrong. She gets given the best of everything – perhaps even apartments or houses bought for her. Her most minor achievements are celebrated and held up for admiration. Her misdemeanours are glossed over and ignored.
The Scapegoat on the other hand is, also as the name suggests, the person on whom all the ills of the family are projected. They can do no right. Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent begrudgingly.”
What a wonderful blog I highly recommend!
In the late summer, early fall of 2007 I embarked on a journey career wise. I’d been a stay at home parent for some time, but family issues at home commanded a change to be made so I began to seek work outside the home landing myself a job with Mordor in October of 2007. It was a lot of hard work. The classes were extensive, the projects grueling and the pace was go, go, go but I did it and I’d never so much as picked up a drill motor before that. It seemed crazy to be doing this kind of work at 30 something, yet there I was, learning airplane plumbing, mechanics, electrical, etc. You had in class learning, online learning, project learning/completion and you had to earn so many points per project to pass.
After a few months, I got assigned to the airplane program for which they’d hired me. I was to be a jack of all trades AND a master of all. Now, most realize this isn’t possible but trust when I say, the company still expected it.
Within just days of meeting my new supervisor and co-workers I realized that there was no organization to this program. No bar line, no clear assignments, no nothing! I’d worked for this same company some years prior in a different job code, this didn’t even feel like that company at all. We just got handed odd jobs here and there, it was frustrating. There were times the supervisor would tell you to “just hide somewhere…” it was awful because really, you wanted to work! Let’s face it, days go by a lot faster if you do. Plus, we were all eager to prove ourselves.
Within a few months of being on that airplane program, myself and many others got transferred to one of the legacy programs. Before I left, my team lead would say “if by some act of GOD they give you a choice of electrician, mechanic or plumber–choose electrician!” Thought that was odd, but I figured regardless of his meaning, the advice was sound. Mechanics is tough on a person.
Apparently, it was one legacy worker for every 2 or 3 of us. Initially, they wouldn’t allow legacy workers to work that program but they came to realize that it was to the detriment of that program because ALL new people on an ALL new program was not the best idea.
So, there I was in training- again. A few more months meant many more classes and many more projects. During this time, my father was having his surgery to repair an extensive hernia and would end up staying in the hospital 6 weeks. Tough not being able to be there for him, but the doctors called me to keep me updated.
During training, they put me through all the training they could to see where I’d best fit in. Countersinking was my arch enemy! I could drill a perfect hole..but I couldn’t countersink to save my life. I was told that while I could be a mechanic, they were going to give me a choice of electrician or mechanic. I about fell on the floor! I quickly sputtered out, “uh..electrician!” I knew me and I knew I didn’t want to short change my kids so I demanded 1st shift otherwise I couldn’t stay. A call was put in and a 1st shift position was located on the program of what was to become my most favorite airplane of all time, the queen herself. I’d get to enter her world and help put her together and I couldn’t have been more excited. I adored my job, I really did. Wiring airplanes is no easy task despite what some may claim. Each job has it’s own degree of challenges, but I truly adored my job.
When I got to my new shop, a lot of the folks weren’t happy to see me. See, they’d had to say farewell to their co-workers being sent or volunteering to go to that other program and I was to take their place. With time though, I managed to make friends with a few and did the best I could. During that time the strike started, my separation with my then husband, issues with my then teen eldest daughter, a gall bladder gone bad and car accident mind you-I did my best through all of that!
Finally, by 2012 when I got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia and anxiety and from there it really was all downhill. As time went on, I got harassed more and more to the point where I messed up some of my leave paperwork and was fired and chose not to fight it via the union. I figured for my own health’s sake, I needed to go. That place was going to kill me if I stayed. The toxic environment increased my pain level. It was a vicious circle of going on leave, getting treatment, getting well, getting back to work, getting harassed, pain increasing, going back on leave. It was never going to end well, I just couldn’t bring myself to quit after all that hard work and I have a family to consider in all of this.
So here I am at home. Looking out for my sweetie, my children (one special needs), my dad, my eldest adult daughter, her b/f and their child.
Recently, I had to take my youngest two children with me to an appointment with my lawyer and subsequently was sent this sweet message in my e-mail about Aiden and Lauren. “You have two very well behaved and bright children. I have a feeling that you will be spending more time at the library. At 3 years old, Lauren is very advanced. She told me all about the characters in Frozen while you were out with Aiden and she named me Rosie!! My niece was really into reading when she was young. I think this benefitted her when she took her SATs in high school—she scored a perfect score in the reading comprehension. Your children are fortunate to have you at home to guide and teach them!!”
I had taken Aiden potty and I guess while we were gone, Lauren had named her Rosie, lol. So, given my aerospace past, I am Rosie the Riveter…but my sweet lawyer gets to be Rosie the lawyer! Quite adorable. I truly am so very proud of ALL of my children! They are each such wonderful, good hearted people. I can rest easy knowing that evil that seems to have plagued part of my family WILL NOT pass on to them..and I couldn’t be more thankful. Their hearts are loving. They are good people. I thank God everyday because that’s really all I wanted for them. They don’t need to be doctors, lawyers or any of that…they got what counts.
Oddly, I’d always wanted to do something in the field of law…from childhood, I always did so perhaps there’s a glimmer there. Rosie the lawyer?
*Mordor is a code name for my employer.
As I used the restroom some weeks ago (Feb. 10, 2017) I was in the midst of thinking things over. This voice in my mind (which sounded an awful lot like my friend, Donna!) said, “your mother and sister are harpies!” I thought I even heard her booming laugh. It just popped in there! I couldn’t help it! I hadn’t heard that creatures name since I saw that movie, “The Last Unicorn” as a child! I couldn’t help but giggle when I looked up what a harpy truly was! Mean spirited but freeing at the same time. Keep in mind, the pain was and is still fresh. I know as time goes on, peace will take over.
It is said, “In Greek mythology and Roman mythology, a harpy was a female monster in the form of a bird with a human face. They steal food from their victims while they are eating and carry evildoers (especially those who have killed their family) to the Erinyes. They seem originally to have been wind spirits. Their name means “snatchers.” (Wikipedia)
Let’s face it…there are a few ways one can kill their own family. Being toxic, non-communicative, verbally/emotionally abusive, non-supportive, etc, etc. Let’s just each make sure we aren’t doing the above and maybe the Harpy won’t come for us. Merriam Webster further defines it as thus; “Definition of harpy: plural harpies
All the judgement. All the talking behind my back. I had my suspicions, but I chose to overlook it figuring, “well, ya don’t know for sure.” Well, now I do. After I had my first child I was asked by one of them if I would be getting my tubes tied. Not “congratulations!” Not, “wow you mean I’m going to be an auntie!?” Or even, “I can’t wait to be a grandma!” That right there was a turn in the road. I should’ve known right then that it wasn’t normal. I assumed all the happy folks were the abnormal and we were the norm!
I suspect jealousy. Jealous that I kept my child rather than give her up for adoption. Jealous that I stepped up. Perhaps the other one felt I had slighted her and IF this is the case she fails to see that I simply made the best choice for me and my daughter. I only suspect this because various people were told I was a “bad mother,” that I liked to have children and not raise them. A complete untruth. Anytime I was happy about something, they were not. You see, I didn’t have one of those families that squeals with joy when you announce you’re expecting. No, I get downcast eyes and silly questions like, “don’t you know what birth control is?” I guess it is by the Lord’s grace they didn’t try to eat my young. They must’ve been exhausted from the 42 years of pecking at me. I guess it isn’t as fun when the person quits putting up with it and calls you on your b.s. Rant done.
Truth is, we’re all right and we’re all wrong…the issue is, only ONE of us can admit it–that’s where the problem is.
Admitting ones wrongs puts a person on a vulnerable plane of existence and some do not handle that too well. As for me, I learned awhile back that the only “control” I have is over myself. My responses. My actions. My behavior. That’s all on me and nobody is responsible for it BUT me…but I can’t be responsible for the other person.
We’re having some (extended) family strife at the moment. I’m working through it, it’s painful but I’m working through it. I’d rather post it here and get it off my chest than bore anyone with it. I mean, not too many people read these. Do they?
We can’t be responsible for other people’s behaviors..their ability to communicate or not, their choice to listen to negative, possibly untrue words of another…we can only focus on our own behavior and growth. Those blind with hate, will stay blind with hate until they see the error in their judgment and viewpoint. A lot of times we truly do see things in others that we ourselves are battling but I assure you…in no way have I ever kept my children from their grandmother or supported their lack of respect thereof.
The younger children are not attuned to our adult issues, nor did we discuss it in front of them. Recently it’s been a bit of an issue admittedly. I take full responsibility for that.
Our granddaughter is being withheld from us, you see. For reasons unknown. It was a slow descent into this oblivion that we noted began when CPS was no longer involved with our grandchild and N (AKA-My mother, but who is henceforth referred to as N for privacy) adopted our grandchild. With time, the older children are able to put things together on their own and have questions such as, “why haven’t we seen (granddaughter) in so long, what’s going on!?” My response can not be a lie-I have to tell them this, “I have asked Grandma…she has not responded (if she hasn’t responded) or she wasn’t clear (some answers are vague and derisive)…” or, “I have asked Grandma, but I think they’re busy…” That latter one I had to use a lot initially but as the months wore on, they wouldn’t buy it anymore.
If someone wants to hate you, than they will and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I just decided it doesn’t have to matter. I just feel bad that my grandchild is being used as a pawn for revenge.
About a year ago, we were going to finally get her for a visit. We were told several times to NOT tell her that my daughter is her real mother. Well, ok. I agreed to this figuring that her rules for our grandchild were her rules as her adoptive mother and she had the right to have those respected as I would want my rules for my children respected (nevermind that she didn’t do a good job of this when my kids visited, ok? Let’s set that aside otherwise we’re just deferring) anyway I had to respect her wishes as I wanted my rules for my children to be respected.
What proceeded to happen was several calls to reiterate this “rule.” I agreed to it, the rest of the family here agreed to it-I’m not sure what more we could’ve done to allay her fears. The morning I was due to pick her up, it was 8 am and I got another call. Admittedly, I’d just opened my eyeballs and hadn’t even the chance to grab a coffee so that I could fully wake up. It was her wanting to reiterate for a 3rd or 4th time what her rule was…and admittedly, I lost my composure a bit and asked her if she even wanted us to see her because it really felt like she was trying to talk us out of it. She continued her tirade so I finally had enough and said, “nevermind then” and hung up.
Looking back, I wonder if her behavior wasn’t purposeful but I try to think the best of people and figure perhaps we both were just having an off day. Anyway, apparently and according to her, when our poor grandchild found out, she “cried for 30 minutes..” (as told by my daughter after her Thanksgiving visit with them)
My actions had a direct negative reaction with my grandchild and I truly hadn’t considered that in that moment. I let my annoyed feelings get in the way and I am terribly sorry. Truly. It was a horrible thing to do! Last month when we finally talked (because I called her to address something) she brought it up…I said I was sorry, because I truly am-however she does not believe me. Nothing can change what I did. I let someone bring out an inappropriate response in myself and that is ALL. ON. ME. I am truly, truly sorry. Hurting my grandchild is something I’d never KNOWINGLY do. There was no malice. But alas…she doesn’t believe that nor would she accept my apology. Her response was, “riiight, riiight..I’m sure you’re really sorry!”
When I had a chance to think things through I realized…I don’t think N has ever said she was sorry for anything. Not really, not with meaning. So if she isn’t sorry, perhaps she doesn’t believe anyone else can be sorry. Trust when I say, I am absolutely sorry! I am not just sorry because I don’t get to see her anymore, I am sorry that what I did HURT HER. But I can’t be to blame for everything. For N, accepting the things she’s done just isn’t possible..she’d rather blame others…
During that conversation, she didn’t even sound like herself. Full of hate, anger…resentment. About two years back in the fall, my sister offered to meet us at a farm in Snohomish, Washington. She’d said that the Frozen princesses would be there and our grandchild was to go meet them and get photos. We agreed upon a day and eagerly waited. When the day came, that morning my sister called and said she was “on the way.” So, we loaded up and off we went. B (my b/f), myself, his son C, our son A, J and D and baby L.
We got there and we waited several hours at the farm, my sister never showed-she never even called. When I addressed this with our grandchilds adoptive parent (my mother), we were told flippantly “oh well…maybe she had something come up.” I will add here she has since denied being aware at all but I swear on my life I asked her at least twice about this. When I finally got ahold of my sister she claimed they were sick. Somehow, THIS was ok. My sister still gets to see her. Our youngest son was pretty upset that day. He cried. He misses her, they were close…but again, my sister does it and it’s ok. I get the idea the expectations for ME are awfully different than they are for her. I forgive, though. I truly do. As the saying goes, “People can only meet you as far as you’ve met yourself.” Your tools are the tools you have and that’s all you have while HOPEFULLY gaining new ones. I accept that not everyone can communicate. I accept that not everyone can be honest. I accept that not everyone has love within them…I accept that other people are different than myself but where does that leave us?
Where does that leave our grandbaby girl? That leaves her without her right to her grandmothers (the paternal grandmother is/was being denied her right to see her as well) and her grandfather. That leaves her without her right to know her uncles, aunts. That leaves her with far fewer support systems than she’d otherwise have. That leaves her robbed.
To be clear: I try not to NAME anyone here. I will use the first initial of their name in reference to that person.
Parents who don’t or who are otherwise not capable of truly loving their child. It sure makes sense, doesn’t it? To some of us, sure. The way our parents speak AT us, view us..it sure isn’t love, that much I know. Especially when we’re accused of playing favorites with your own children…it is like they are projecting their own failings upon you. And they say this as they drive over to their own eldest daughters home to take her out to lunch (sans me of course and as usual)…lol. Ok. When I was having issues with my eldest child (who was a teen at that time) I was told, “you never loved her, you always preferred your other daughter…this is ALL your fault, you *uck face!!” I had to stop and wonder if she wasn’t referring to herself. I would later discover she told my father this, as well saying-“Well, when ya see her, she’ll have G on her hip!” Sad. At least I finally had the chance to try to set her correct on that. She can believe what she wants, but you just don’t try and come between a mother and her children and I got the idea that when my girls would go visit, she (along with my sister) make offhanded or denigrating remarks about me. I never had proof though so I tried to put it aside…but off and on she’d let things slip. She’d make comments to me without asking me my side to anything and when she did, she didn’t listen.
My poor daughter started having issues. Ideally, our family would’ve come together on this issue-not taken sides. Ideally, my own mother would’ve offered her love, support and advice to me as we navigated such treacherous waters. Instead, she appeared to take the opportunity to cheerlead my daughters hatred for me by reinforcing the idea that it was “all my fault.” Then again, IF she doesn’t love or respect me-how could I expect her to offer her love at such time or any other time for that matter? It’s all conjecture because she won’t communicate with me. Keep this in mind. Just things I’ve put together based on experiences with them, things they’ve said and done and in some cases, said outright. I can speak for myself, though…and I love ALL of my children for the individuals they are. I just adore them. They’re my world, truly.
I’m finally seeing the light a bit. We all hope to be liked..especially by our own family members. Oh sure, they may love you (if you can be sure they even know what love really is and based on their upbringing, maybe they don’t) but sometimes they just don’t like you.
I’ve encountered similar people off and on throughout my life. I had a team lead at work that couldn’t stand me no matter what I did. She saw my kindness as “fake.” If I had won the lottery and gave her half of the winning’s, she’d still hate me. I reminded her that my mother had taught me to be kind to people until and unless they give you a reason not to. She didn’t want us being doormats, but she wanted us to be kind. I considered this a fair teaching but with someone who has issues of their own, it just won’t work.
Some folks, they don’t like anything about you. How you live your life, how you raise your children, how you chew your food and how dare you ever face any adversity in life because now they don’t respect you. Everything is under scrutiny because they DO NOT LIKE YOU. I’m learning this truly is ok. If you’re the best sort of person you know how to be, that really is all you can do. Leave their issues on their side of the fence where it belongs.
Strive to find joy within yourself. Like who it is you are, the Lord made you and He doesn’t make mistakes!
I feel blessed that I moved beyond and am not myself a narcissistic type parent. I learned through trials with my eldest that total “control” is impossible and unhealthy to hope for at best anyway. My control is only over myself and even that is sketchy at times because hey, I am human afterall!
I think we all encounter parts in our lives where we must ask ourselves, “is this how I want to live my life?”
As for my mother, she made her bed and now she must lay in it. The fix is hers and hers alone but it includes accountability, apologizing to the one you’ve wronged and finally, forgiving herself. You can’t skip the first two, though. Doesn’t work that way.
Mom, if you are upset your grandchildren do not contact you or “respect” you then consider how you’ve treated their mother and how you’ve carried yourself. Consider your relationship with each of them and how that has altered through the years.
Years ago when the eldest was grown, you ceased interacting with them. You don’t think they noticed that? You don’t think they look back on every situation they saw and drew their own conclusions? Grandma coming to the house and screaming at mom over a car, grandma screaming at mom through her phone..grandma doesn’t pick us up anymore..grandma doesn’t visit anymore..where is our niece, why doesn’t grandma let her come see us anymore? Children can’t stay young and ignorant forever and before you know it, they start to look back. They witnessed some things you did, for themselves. I tried. I did. I would rather my children understand that their mother’s issues with her mother are not their mother’s issues with their grandmother. I’d like them to have a relationship with you and offer you kindness and love…but as my eldest son just said is he’d rather message his other grandma because “she likes him.”
In the end, they are their own people, though and at some point you got to try to quit blaming me for everything under the sun.
F inally, maybe the concept of the fact that some kids feel a sense of loyalty to their parents. They weren’t the favored grandchild anyway so it makes sense they wouldn’t feel as close. The cat is already out of the bag and it has been for the past year so there’s no point in me sugar coating anything anymore. I wasn’t the favored kid so I guess we’ve much in common.
It became a tug-o-war of sorts and over my very own daughter who very much needed to be able to trust her mother. Instead, going and venting to her grandmother seemed to only fan the flames and cause further issue as her attempts to “be on her side” she would always side with her regardless of the details with very little attempts at even understanding the other sides or aspects or even the very idea that honesty may have played a part. You can never know a full story unless you’ve spent the time within that environment, asked and heard other people their sides. But if you don’t spend that time with eyes open, if you refuse to believe ANYONE else besides the one person telling a story-you’ll never get an honest picture about what’s going on and so it’s not appropriate to form a harsh opinion.
Wikipedia says; “In psychology-related slang, the term control freak describes a person who attempts to dictate how everything is done around them. The phrase was first used in the 1970s, an era when stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.” It goes on to say, Control freaks are often perfectionists defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst. Such persons manipulate and pressure others to change so as to avoid having to change themselves, and use power over others to escape an inner emptiness. When a control freak’s pattern is broken, the controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness but feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves.”
So where do we go from here? I found some ideas..and while I know they can’t help us, perhaps they can help someone else out there with similar types of people in their lives. I tried many of these approaches anyway to no avail but I think the person is too damaged and their view and trust for me is not healthy, that’s difficult to work with. It does say to try with someone who is responsive to feedback and many controllers do not see any wrongs they do and if you don’t see your wrongs, you can’t make it right. I will add here that as the daughter of someone with these issues, I now see how I must keep it in check myself. I do offer my view, but in the end I am capable of respecting that person’s right to do what they feel is right for them.
From “Emotional Freedom” to deal with controllers