Money, it’s a GAS!

Hi there, something occurred to me today as I work through things. It sort of popped into my mind. Money has seemingly been the root of importance and an overall theme with N.

When she was guardian to my grandchild, I was once cussed out for not sending her money. She once screamed, when she needs help, she should get it! I agree, by all means…you have been a source of wonderful support in this regard, but if you won’t ask for help, how does anyone know you need it!? Especially when you try to be so strong and confident. Especially when I offered help other occasions (your storage for example and on multiple occasions) and all I got was a resounding, “No…” Are you afraid to ask? Do you feel people will lose respect for you? Did you lose respect for me when I had to borrow money? You see in others what is in yourself. What of the birth parents? Did they financially help you? No? I see. Grandma is responsible.

Most know that it’s ok to ask for help once in awhile, we all need it from time to time and if you have someone you can trust, perhaps it is ok. I truly never knew you needed money. If you had ever asked, I would’ve collected aluminum cans to get you some money but being a single mother, making 15.00 per hour at that time, I was lucky I had a roof over my kids’ heads.

Oddly, when I was finally able to scrape together 400.00 to give you, you used it for another purpose besides our grandbaby. You don’t trust me so it doesn’t matter what I say. You’ve had someone in your ear all these years to influence your view of me (plus whoever else that maybe didn’t want less time with Divi?) so I will just say that I love the grandbaby and would go to the moon and back for her. If I had known you were hurting for cash, I would’ve found a way. Somehow. Things were awfully tough at that time, but I know that doesn’t matter either because I don’t get excuses.

About the dirty laundry

I know some out there will ask, why am I sharing this with the world. I understand that thought. Perhaps for you, you’d rather keep things to yourself and I respect that-for me, I must air it to let it go. Recently, their gloves came off–so now, I am taking off mine.

I am not ashamed of anything. On the other hand, I am sorry for my own part in the whole thing. It just IS. It’s part of my life and I accept that. To move forward, I want to air it ALL so that I can fully appreciate letting it go. I will get it out of my system and then some of my notes will turn to other topics. It just feels good to get it out! I couldn’t get a word in edgewise with Harpy 1 and Harpy 2 tries to present a neutral front, but reality is she could very well be the cause of a lot of this. I couldn’t tell her the things I wanted to, the things I needed to…she has completely shut down and something else has taken over. It saddened me…I learned she isn’t my mother anymore. I knew it was a long time coming, though. I never did fit in with either of them. I do not search for or need pity, though. I have many-many around me who truly do love me. I am a blessed woman who is grateful for a vast much, I assure you. I just must get this out. I doubt anyone will read it anyway…but it’s my side.

I came across a blog called, “Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.” I talks about the Scapegoat and the Goldenchild and wow was that a wallop to the mind and heart…

The person says, “It’s very common for Narcissistic Mothers to have a Golden Child and Scapegoat dynamic going on in their family.

What this means is this: one child in the family is the Golden Child, and one or more is the Scapegoat.

The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful child – at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden Child to be an extension of herself, onto whom she projects all her own supposed wonderfulness.

The Golden Child can do no wrong. She gets given the best of everything – perhaps even apartments or houses bought for her. Her most minor achievements are celebrated and held up for admiration. Her misdemeanours are glossed over and ignored.

The Scapegoat on the other hand is, also as the name suggests, the person on whom all the ills of the family are projected. They can do no right. Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent begrudgingly.”

What a wonderful blog I highly recommend!

resentment

A Sour Familiarity

The above topic…Narcissistic Parent Versus Loving Parent. Good points…we have to put it in perspective given that we’re grandparents but we could also apply this to our parenting. Our grandchild has the right to her grandmothers (both of us). I do not expect to be apart of decision making as she is my grandchild, not my child and I choose to respect her mama’s rules as I want my own rules to be respected (but can she and has she respected my rules when she had time with my children?? Unsure. Perhaps she is worried I will do as she has done and denigrate the child in front of her, tough to say and just a guess at best. I am capable of admitting my wrongs. I have NO memory of her ever being able to nor saying she was “sorry” for anything. It has to be altered to fit our situation as you can see…but it’s the type of parent I strive to be…a LOVING PARENT. Also, you can’t just throw money at kids…they need our love and our PRESENCE…. In the end, this is all my fault, anyway. I allowed this, you see. I didn’t want to complain so I would allow them free reign over me to say and do pretty much whatever they want. My first husband tried to point it out to me but I figured he’s controlling and abusive so I couldn’t really trust what he was saying stuff like, “you know your mom and sister only come over here to see the girls…they don’t care about you.” Why would a controlling, abusive person want anyone else horning in on their deal? So I didn’t listen. My friends and 2nd husband finally were good about helping me see and I’m glad they did…it turned out to be true.
*I will say, financially (in the past), she always tried to help me. I can say that. Absolutely. Not all of these apply to be sure..but some have an awfully sour familiarity. These past few years have been quite the challenge. From dealing with health issues (getting care, etc) to being harassed out of a job I’d long worked so hard for due to said health issues to missing my addicted daughter and having no idea where she could be. Apparently, the person I once trusted MOST felt it best to choose THIS time to keep from me our grandchild. I can’t imagine kicking someone when they’re down like this…knowingly. I just can’t imagine it. Instead, I got chastised for not being there more for HER. I got scolded and asked why I hadn’t sent her any money. If I had money to send, trust when I say it would’ve been hers. But starting out at 15.00 per hour as a single mother didn’t leave me in a good place money wise. I took grandbaby whenever she could let me, whenever I could. It was just never enough in her eyes.

The Harpies!

As I used the restroom some weeks ago (Feb. 10, 2017) I was in the midst of thinking things over. This voice in my mind (which sounded an awful lot like my friend, Donna!) said, “your mother and sister are harpies!” I thought I even heard her booming laugh. It just popped in there! I couldn’t help it! I hadn’t heard that creatures name since I saw that movie, “The Last Unicorn” as a child! I couldn’t help but giggle when I looked up what a harpy truly was! Mean spirited but freeing at the same time. Keep in mind, the pain was and is still fresh. I know as time goes on, peace will take over.

It is said, “In Greek mythology and Roman mythology, a harpy was a female monster in the form of a bird with a human face. They steal food from their victims while they are eating and carry evildoers (especially those who have killed their family) to the Erinyes. They seem originally to have been wind spirits. Their name means “snatchers.” (Wikipedia)

Let’s face it…there are a few ways one can kill their own family. Being toxic, non-communicative, verbally/emotionally abusive, non-supportive, etc, etc. Let’s just each make sure we aren’t doing the above and maybe the Harpy won’t come for us. Merriam Webster further defines it as thus; “Definition of harpy: plural harpies

1. capitalized : a foul malign creature in Greek mythology that is part woman and part bird
2 a : a predatory person : leech
b : a shrewish woman This came to me moments ago when thinking of two specific women I once had in my life. It rings true based on the descriptions for sure. Through grief, the mind tries to reason why. Why did this happen? Why did that happen? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Since our only true control is our own part we play, that is the one I choose to focus on most. I know very well what I feel the other did. But I can’t change it nor can I force them to see it. “Pruning one’s own garden” truly is the way to go.

All the judgement. All the talking behind my back. I had my suspicions, but I chose to overlook it figuring, “well, ya don’t know for sure.” Well, now I do. After I had my first child I was asked by one of them if I would be getting my tubes tied. Not “congratulations!” Not, “wow you mean I’m going to be an auntie!?” Or even, “I can’t wait to be a grandma!” That right there was a turn in the road. I should’ve known right then that it wasn’t normal. I assumed all the happy folks were the abnormal and we were the norm!

I suspect jealousy. Jealous that I kept my child rather than give her up for adoption. Jealous that I stepped up. Perhaps the other one felt I had slighted her and IF this is the case she fails to see that I simply made the best choice for me and my daughter. I only suspect this because various people were told I was a “bad mother,” that I liked to have children and not raise them. A complete untruth. Anytime I was happy about something, they were not. You see, I didn’t have one of those families that squeals with joy when you announce you’re expecting. No, I get downcast eyes and silly questions like, “don’t you know what birth control is?” I guess it is by the Lord’s grace they didn’t try to eat my young. They must’ve been exhausted from the 42 years of pecking at me. I guess it isn’t as fun when the person quits putting up with it and calls you on your b.s. Rant done.

 

Personal accountability

Personal accountability seems to be quite the commodity and rarity in our person to person environment. Everyone is right, nobody wants to be wrong. Something is missing, yet nobody took it.

Truth is, we’re all right and we’re all wrong…the issue is, only ONE of us can admit it–that’s where the problem is.

Admitting ones wrongs puts a person on a vulnerable plane of existence and some do not handle that too well. As for me, I learned awhile back that the only “control” I have is over myself. My responses. My actions. My behavior. That’s all on me and nobody is responsible for it BUT me…but I can’t be responsible for the other person.

We’re having some (extended) family strife at the moment. I’m working through it, it’s painful but I’m working through it. I’d rather post it here and get it off my chest than bore anyone with it. I mean, not too many people read these. Do they?

We can’t be responsible for other people’s behaviors..their ability to communicate or not, their choice to listen to negative, possibly untrue words of another…we can only focus on our own behavior and growth. Those blind with hate, will stay blind with hate until they see the error in their judgment and viewpoint. A lot of times we truly do see things in others that we ourselves are battling but I assure you…in no way have I ever kept my children from their grandmother or supported their lack of respect thereof.

The younger children are not attuned to our adult issues, nor did we discuss it in front of them. Recently it’s been a bit of an issue admittedly. I take full responsibility for that.

Our granddaughter is being withheld from us, you see. For reasons unknown. It was a slow descent into this oblivion that we noted began when CPS was no longer involved with our grandchild and N (AKA-My mother, but who is henceforth referred to as N for privacy) adopted our grandchild. With time, the older children are able to put things together on their own and have questions such as, “why haven’t we seen (granddaughter) in so long, what’s going on!?” My response can not be a lie-I have to tell them this, “I have asked Grandma…she has not responded (if she hasn’t responded) or she wasn’t clear (some answers are vague and derisive)…” or, “I have asked Grandma, but I think they’re busy…” That latter one I had to use a lot initially but as the months wore on, they wouldn’t buy it anymore.

If someone wants to hate you, than they will and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I just decided it doesn’t have to matter. I just feel bad that my grandchild is being used as a pawn for revenge.

About a year ago, we were going to finally get her for a visit. We were told several times to NOT tell her that my daughter is her real mother. Well, ok. I agreed to this figuring that her rules for our grandchild were her rules as her adoptive mother and she had the right to have those respected as I would want my rules for my children respected (nevermind that she didn’t do a good job of this when my kids visited, ok? Let’s set that aside otherwise we’re just deferring) anyway  I had to respect her wishes as I wanted my rules for my children to be respected.

What proceeded to happen was several calls to reiterate this “rule.” I agreed to it, the rest of the family here agreed to it-I’m not sure what more we could’ve done to allay her fears. The morning I was due to pick her up, it was 8 am and I got another call. Admittedly, I’d just opened my eyeballs and hadn’t even the chance to grab a coffee so that I could fully wake up. It was her wanting to reiterate for a 3rd or 4th time what her rule was…and admittedly, I lost my composure a bit and asked her if she even wanted us to see her because it really felt like she was trying to talk us out of it. She continued her tirade so I finally had enough and said, “nevermind then” and hung up.

Looking back, I wonder if her behavior wasn’t purposeful but I try to think the best of people and figure perhaps we both were just having an off day. Anyway, apparently and according to her, when our poor grandchild found out, she “cried for 30 minutes..” (as told by my daughter after her Thanksgiving visit with them)

My actions had a direct negative reaction with my grandchild and I truly hadn’t considered that in that moment. I let my annoyed feelings get in the way and I am terribly sorry. Truly. It was a horrible thing to do! Last month when we finally talked (because I called her to address something) she brought it up…I said I was sorry, because I truly am-however she does not believe me. Nothing can change what I did. I let someone bring out an inappropriate response in myself and that is ALL. ON. ME. I am truly, truly sorry. Hurting my grandchild is something I’d never KNOWINGLY do.  There was no malice. But alas…she doesn’t believe that nor would she accept my apology. Her response was, “riiight, riiight..I’m sure you’re really sorry!”

When I had a chance to think things through I realized…I don’t think N has ever said she was sorry for anything. Not really, not with meaning. So if she isn’t sorry, perhaps she doesn’t believe anyone else can be sorry. Trust when I say, I am absolutely sorry! I am not just sorry because I don’t get to see her anymore, I am sorry that what I did HURT HER. But I can’t be to blame for everything. For N, accepting the things she’s done just isn’t possible..she’d rather blame others…

blame

During that conversation, she didn’t even sound like herself. Full of hate, anger…resentment. About two years back in the fall, my sister offered to meet us at a farm in Snohomish, Washington. She’d said that the Frozen princesses would be there and our grandchild was to go meet them and get photos. We agreed upon a day and eagerly waited. When the day came, that morning my sister called and said she was “on the way.” So, we loaded up and off we went. B (my b/f), myself, his son C, our son A,  J and D and baby L.

We got there and we waited several hours at the farm, my sister never showed-she never even called. When I addressed this with our grandchilds adoptive parent (my mother), we were told flippantly “oh well…maybe she had something come up.” I will add here she has since denied being aware at all but I swear on my life I asked her at least twice about this. When I finally got ahold of my sister she claimed they were sick. Somehow, THIS was ok. My sister still gets to see her. Our youngest son was pretty upset that day. He cried. He misses her, they were close…but again, my sister does it and it’s ok. I get the idea the expectations for ME are awfully different than they are for her. I forgive, though. I truly do. As the saying goes, “People can only meet you as far as you’ve met yourself.” Your tools are the tools you have and that’s all you have while HOPEFULLY gaining new ones. I accept that not everyone can communicate. I accept that not everyone can be honest. I accept that not everyone has love within them…I accept that other people are different than myself but where does that leave us?

Where does that leave our grandbaby girl? That leaves her without her right to her grandmothers (the paternal grandmother is/was being denied her right to see her as well) and her grandfather. That leaves her without her right to know her uncles, aunts. That leaves her with far fewer support systems than she’d otherwise have. That leaves her robbed.

Some parents do not not love their children

To be clear: I try not to NAME anyone here. I will use the first initial of their name in reference to that person.

Parents who don’t or who are otherwise not capable of truly loving their child. It sure makes sense, doesn’t it? To some of us, sure. The way our parents speak AT us, view us..it sure isn’t love, that much I know. Especially when we’re accused of playing favorites with your own children…it is like they are projecting their own failings upon you. And they say this as they drive over to their own eldest daughters home to take her out to lunch (sans me of course and as usual)…lol. Ok. When I was having issues with my eldest child (who was a teen at that time) I was told, “you never loved her, you always preferred your other daughter…this is ALL your fault, you *uck face!!” I had to stop and wonder if she wasn’t referring to herself. I would later discover she told my father this, as well saying-“Well, when ya see her, she’ll have G on her hip!”  Sad. At least I finally had the chance to try to set her correct on that. She can believe what she wants, but you just don’t try and come between a mother and her children and I got the idea that when my girls would go visit, she (along with my sister) make offhanded or denigrating remarks about me. I never had proof though so I tried to put it aside…but off and on she’d let things slip. She’d make comments to me without asking me my side to anything and when she did, she didn’t listen.

My poor daughter started having issues. Ideally, our family would’ve come together on this issue-not taken sides. Ideally, my own mother would’ve offered her love, support and advice to me as we navigated such treacherous waters. Instead, she appeared to take the opportunity to cheerlead my daughters hatred for me by reinforcing the idea that it was “all my fault.” Then again, IF she doesn’t love or respect me-how could I expect her to offer her love at such time or any other time for that matter? It’s all conjecture because she won’t communicate with me. Keep this in mind. Just things I’ve put together based on experiences with them, things they’ve said and done and in some cases, said outright. I can speak for myself, though…and I love ALL of my children for the individuals they are. I just adore them. They’re my world, truly.

I’m finally seeing the light a bit. We all hope to be liked..especially by our own family members. Oh sure, they may love you (if you can be sure they even know what love really is and based on their upbringing, maybe they don’t) but sometimes they just don’t like you.

fakevsniceI’ve encountered similar people off and on throughout my life. I had a team lead at work that couldn’t stand me no matter what I did. She saw my kindness as “fake.”  If I had won the lottery and gave her half of the winning’s, she’d still hate me.  I reminded her that my mother  had taught me to be kind to people until and unless they give you a reason not to. She didn’t want us being doormats, but she wanted us to be kind. I considered this a fair teaching but with someone who has issues of their own, it just won’t work.

Some folks, they don’t like anything about you. How you live your life, how you raise your children, how you chew your food and how dare you ever face any adversity in life because now they don’t respect you. Everything is under scrutiny because they DO NOT LIKE YOU. I’m learning this truly is ok. If you’re the best sort of person you know how to be, that really is all you can do. Leave their issues on their side of the fence where it belongs.

Strive to find joy within yourself. Like who it is you are, the Lord made you and He doesn’t make mistakes!

I feel blessed that I moved beyond and am not myself a narcissistic type parent. I learned through trials with my eldest that total “control” is impossible and unhealthy to hope for at best anyway. My control is only over myself and even that is sketchy at times because hey, I am human afterall!

This one life is all we get…

I think we all encounter parts in our lives where we must ask ourselves, “is this how I want to live my life?”

Some people need to understand that when they’ve done things–awful things– that they will have an effect on whether or not others will want to (or can)  be around.

As for my mother, she made her bed and now she must lay in it. The fix is hers and hers alone but it includes accountability, apologizing to the one you’ve wronged and finally, forgiving herself. You can’t skip the first two, though. Doesn’t work that way.
onelife2
Mom, if you are upset your grandchildren do not contact you or “respect” you then consider how you’ve treated their mother and how you’ve carried yourself. Consider your relationship with each of them and how that has altered through the years.

Years ago when the eldest was grown, you ceased interacting with them. You don’t think they noticed that? You don’t think they look back on every situation they saw and drew their own conclusions? Grandma coming to the house and screaming at mom over a car, grandma screaming at mom through her phone..grandma doesn’t pick us up anymore..grandma doesn’t visit anymore..where is our niece, why doesn’t grandma let her come see us anymore? Children can’t stay young and ignorant forever and before you know it, they start to look back. They witnessed some things you did, for themselves. I tried. I did. I would rather my children understand that their mother’s issues with her mother are not their mother’s issues with their grandmother. I’d like them to have a relationship with you and offer you kindness and love…but as my eldest son just said is he’d rather message his other grandma because “she likes him.”

In the end, they are their own people, though and at some point you got to try to quit blaming me for everything under the sun.

I wish things could be different and I feel that even when folks can’t be kind to us, we should still try to be kind-send a nice note or a birthday card. Maybe I’m too soft hearted. We don’t have to accept any abusive tones, but a simple hello card couldn’t hurt.

F inally, maybe the concept of the fact that some kids feel a sense of loyalty to their parents. They weren’t the favored grandchild anyway so it makes sense they wouldn’t feel as close. The cat is already out of the bag and it has been for the past year so there’s no point in me sugar coating anything anymore. I wasn’t the favored kid so I guess we’ve much in common.

Controlling personalities

As I reflect back on my child hood and my whole life associated with my mother, I’ve come to accept aspects about her that perhaps have hindered our relationship. I have come to accept aspects about myself that have also hindered our relationship. One of them is perceived control issues. She seems to feel the need to control every aspect of her world and often times this bleeds into the worlds of others.

It became a tug-o-war of sorts and over my very own daughter who very much needed to be able to trust her mother. Instead, going and venting to her grandmother seemed to only fan the flames and cause further issue as her attempts to “be on her side” she would always side with her regardless of the details with very little attempts at even understanding the other sides or aspects or even the very idea that honesty may have played a part. You can never know a full story unless you’ve spent the time within that environment, asked and heard other people their sides. But if you don’t spend that time with eyes open, if you refuse to believe ANYONE else besides the one person telling a story-you’ll never get an honest picture about what’s going on and so it’s not appropriate to form a harsh opinion.

Wikipedia says; “In psychology-related slang, the term control freak describes a person who attempts to dictate how everything is done around them. The phrase was first used in the 1970s,[1] an era when stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.” It goes on to say, Control freaks are often perfectionists[5] defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst.[6] Such persons manipulate and pressure others to change so as to avoid having to change themselves,[7] and use power over others to escape an inner emptiness.[8] When a control freak’s pattern is broken, the controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness but feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves.”

“Control freaks appear to have some similarities to codependents, in the sense that the latters’ fear of abandonment leads to attempts to control those they are dependent on.[10] Recovery for them entails recognising that being a control freak helped paradoxically preserve codependency itself.”
Here’s what speaks loudly to me: It says ; “In terms of personality-type theory, control freaks are very much the type A personality, driven by the need to dominate and control. An obsessive need to control others is also associated with antisocial personality disorder.” She did this when she put herself in front of me with my child. When she tried to act as “parent” and not “grandma.” She did this by offering financial type gifts and “help” that came with unseen strings attached. The view that somehow, “I’ve helped you, now you belong to me and I can treat you as I please and I no longer respect you because you’ve needed help…get your life together!” Now, I will add here that IF there is an open agreement in place where BOTH parties understand the rules and the agreement, I see no issue in having expectations upon gifting something (especially something large) to someone. However, changing the rules to fit your purpose is not fair. Accepting help from some types is not recommended. Telling people what you’re going to do versus asking is also a hallmark sign in my opinion.

So where do we go from here? I found some ideas..and while I know they can’t help us, perhaps they can help someone else out there with similar types of people in their lives. I tried many of these approaches anyway to no avail but I think the person is too damaged and their view and trust for me is not healthy, that’s difficult to work with. It does say to try with someone who is responsive to feedback and many controllers do not see any wrongs they do and if you don’t see your wrongs, you can’t make it right. I will add here that as the daughter of someone with these issues, I now see how I must keep it in check myself. I do offer my view, but in the end I am capable of respecting that person’s right to do what they feel is right for them.

From “Emotional Freedom” to deal with controllers

Emotional Action Step – Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs
1. The secret to success is never try to control a controller Speak up, but don’t tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high-priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.
2. Try the caring, direct approach Use this with good friends or others who’re responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, “I appreciate your comments but I’d like to express my opinions too.” The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion, and will gladly change.
3. Set limits If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.” You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don’t expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
4. Size up the situation If your boss is a controlling perfectionist–and you choose to stay–don’t keep ruminating about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change, and then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you non-defensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you’ll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, “I didn’t say to do this. Please remove it,” you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down–trying to control the controller—will only make work more stressful or get you fired.
People who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents, or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters–a mask for their feeling of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they’ll inch forward again into your space.
When you mindfully deal with controllers, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.
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I am guilty of this. For the longest time, I gave in. I just wanted to keep the peace. I wanted my kids to have a grandmother and I truly believed I was doing the right thing at that time. It didn’t bother me that much, it was what I grew up with-what I knew and since I always believed mother wanted what was best for me, I never questioned it. Looking back I now realize that when we allow people to mistreat us (it doesn’t have to “bother” you, if they are mistreating you, it is wrong) but when we allow it, it teaches them that it’s ok to treat you that way..and it causes a rippling effect in one’s life and in case, it effected my relationship with my child. The ideas I listed above came from this source:
Judith Orloff MD is bestselling author of the new book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) NOW available in paperback and upon which this article is based. Her insights in Emotional Freedom create a new convergence of healing paths for our stressed out world. An assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, Dr. Orloff’s work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, and in Oprah Magazine and USA Today.
To inquire about her books and Emotional Freedom book tour schedule visit www.drjudithorloff.comTo inquire about her books and Emotional Freedom book tour schedule visit www.drjudithorloff.com

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other’s warm.” Author Unknown

 

This was written after a particularly painful conversation with the person I knew as my mother. The conversation was in regards to her choice to keep my grand child from me. for reasons unknown and one’s she couldn’t seem to clarify.

To the person who raised me and the person I knew as my mother.

I’m so sorry mom, I can’t do it anymore.

All of these years I weathered your storm. I tried to be the calm in an otherwise chaotic existence of moving, changing schools, absentee parents.

You moved us two states away from my father and other family who loved us. I could’ve had a more involved father, relationships with my brother,  aunts/uncles/cousins/friends..but you took it all away when you moved us two states away. You called me selfish during our conversation, and I’m the selfish one? I guess it makes sense…I wasn’t allowed to have my grandma so naturally, neither can poor Divinity. You took away my grandmother(s) by moving and now you’re taking hers away by refusing to let us see her. History repeats itself. We thought we could trust you, it’s the only reason we agreed to offer a positive review with CPS. It’s most disappointing.

Over the years, I tried to keep the peace. I tried my hardest to speak with you with respect rather than scorn as your other daughter does…”shut up, mom!” Or, “Noooo that’s not how it was mom!” (Similar to listening a petulant teen address their mother). When I asked you about it, you once you said the way she treats you is ok because she’s “got a lot on her plate.” Odd, I do not get similar excuses despite not speaking to you in such a manner–but still, I tried to stay kind…figuring in my heart you prefer her over me as you two faced an unspeakable past together in fighting her cancer..this was my reasoning when I felt left out of your little clique of two..unless she has somehow aided in the estrangement, I do not blame my sister/your other daughter but how odd it was when you attempted to help yourself feel better by saying I preferred one daughter over my other. Pot…kettle…but above all-LIES. I adore all of my children and have worked tirelessly to be everything to them that you ARE NOT and WERE NOT to me.

I’ve walked on egg shells all of these years for fear of saying the wrong thing and offending you. Being around you is exhausting. One just never knows what you’ll take offense to. Time after time when you made accusations (some when I was a mere child) I weathered your refusal to believe me or trust me. I’ve weathered your lies about me behind my back (that I have some gambling issue or the one where you claimed I liked to have children and not take care of them or was that one your other daughter went around saying? The list goes on, who knows what you’ve told others, your words of DIScouragement is the bottom line. I weathered your jellyfish like personality time and again. It was phone call STING, conversation STING. Family event-STING…until eventually in December  2016 during our last conversation where you told me I was selfish for hoping to see our grandchild…after NOT seeing her for 10 months…after that very final conversation, I had a hypertensive crisis and had to be taken to hospital…and all you could do was whine that we hadn’t yet said “thank you” for the Christmas gifts for the children. Enough.

In your way you tried–you gave me money and helped me in that regard sometimes (you even took out a small loan for me for which I hope to still pay you back for as I had gotten laid off while we were making the payments and you had to finish paying it) and I will always be quite thankful because I understood this is/was your way of expressing love..to you, love is MONEY and perhaps control… but what I really needed from you over that, was your humanity, acceptance, compassion, love, warmth..your presence! You chose to work a shift that left it to where I rarely saw you. You came home after I went to bed, went to work before I got home from school. When your situation with Tracy didn’t work out because of issues your other daughter was causing within our family and his eventual cheating, you moved us to essentially our own apartment, we rarely saw you because you were either working or at his apartment. From the time I was about 13 on, I was on my own..and don’t try to deny it, I have a lot of witnesses. You later admitted you were on 1st shift once but didn’t like it so you chose to go back to 2nd shift. Wow. Still…I weathered. Alone–but I weathered.

Those years of my life after about age 13 when I rarely saw you because you were with your boyfriend, yeah-I weathered that too. Every few days I’d see you, you’d give some money and off again you were. I should’ve moved back down with dad when I had the chance but by then it was too late. The feet were planted.

I know you came from pain yourself. I’ve always been so very proud of you for that. Surviving as you did is truly admirable, but I guess the truth is, none of us can come from painful things completely unscathed.

With you, I’ve always been in the shadows…I tried my best to keep you happy…listen to your criticisms and judgments..I even weathered your attempts to circumvent my place in my eldest daughters life as she battled addiction. This was the hardest of all because I am her mother, not you. Had she NOT been influenced by your negative views of ME, she would’ve trusted me more and we could’ve helped her. So much was lost. The adults in her life should’ve been  on the same sheet of music, the other relatives should rally behind the parents in support and unity. All we got was hate, discontent, judgment and finger pointing.

Remember that time you cussed me out on the phone and blamed me for all of it? You called me a “fuckface,” remember that? Did you stop and think for one moment that had you been supportive and loving that maybe-just maybe we could’ve prevented the 7 yrs of hell that was to come? Unlike your desire to blame me, I do not blame you. I just feel there were things we all did that were counterproductive.

The years she was gone, there were times when you knew where she was and kept it from me, you continuously usurped my position by taking over (Hannah’s teeth for example) and I was horrified when Hannah first ran away…and all you could do was sit there in your judgmental chair. No love, no support, no advice. The one who suffered most was Hannah.

Now as you keep my grandchild from me, I must say goodbye. I love you. I want good things for you, but that really is the final straw to these 42 years of toxicity. I allowed you to see your grandchildren whenever you asked…despite your involvement in an abusive situation with a boyfriend. I knew I could trust you to put the children first and they’d be ok. In our home, there is NOTHING like that going in-in fact, there isn’t anything going on that would excuse what you’ve chosen to do. We have a nice home, a happy home. I feel sorry that I’ve been such a disappointment for you and that you find yourself so full of hate and disgust for me, even still why use our grandchild to get even? What has she done wrong in all of this?
You once called me a “fuckface” as I faced the pain of a runaway child. In our final conversation, you repeatedly said “fuck you” over and over. You said I was selfish for hoping to see my granddaughter after NOT seeing her for 10 months…To me, this is NOT love. This is NOT the relationship of a mother and her daughter.

How sad it must be to feel that way about one’s own child…but I wouldn’t know. I adore all of mine. I would adore them if they were colombian drug Lords. Love is love…but I don’t think you know what that is which is what makes this that much more painful and sad.
I will pray for our granddaughter. That her life is full of love, joy, security, good health..that she will not live as I did, never feeling good enough. I wish we could be there in her life, how sad for her that she will be disallowed her grandma and grandpa, uncles and aunties. We’ll always be here though, loving her and praying.

I am choosing the light..I am choosing the positive. I am choosing the joy. My health now depends on it.

I have set myself on fire for you long enough. I forgive you, I wish you well…but I must say goodbye.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” I sure wish I knew who said that. What a powerful statement, right? Well, I’ve been wanting to get something off my chest for awhile. Yes, I know this is facebook and NOT a diary but humor me! I know it’s dirty laundry…but I want to put it behind me and facing it is how I want to do that. I’ve been through a lot…7 years not knowing where my baby was or if she was ok…and now I am to endure not seeing my granddaughter. It hurts.