This was written after a particularly painful conversation with the person I knew as my mother. The conversation was in regards to her choice to keep my grand child from me. for reasons unknown and one’s she couldn’t seem to clarify.
To the person who raised me and the person I knew as my mother.
I’m so sorry mom, I can’t do it anymore.
All of these years I weathered your storm. I tried to be the calm in an otherwise chaotic existence of moving, changing schools, absentee parents.
You moved us two states away from my father and other family who loved us. I could’ve had a more involved father, relationships with my brother, aunts/uncles/cousins/friends..but you took it all away when you moved us two states away. You called me selfish during our conversation, and I’m the selfish one? I guess it makes sense…I wasn’t allowed to have my grandma so naturally, neither can poor Divinity. You took away my grandmother(s) by moving and now you’re taking hers away by refusing to let us see her. History repeats itself. We thought we could trust you, it’s the only reason we agreed to offer a positive review with CPS. It’s most disappointing.
Over the years, I tried to keep the peace. I tried my hardest to speak with you with respect rather than scorn as your other daughter does…”shut up, mom!” Or, “Noooo that’s not how it was mom!” (Similar to listening a petulant teen address their mother). When I asked you about it, you once you said the way she treats you is ok because she’s “got a lot on her plate.” Odd, I do not get similar excuses despite not speaking to you in such a manner–but still, I tried to stay kind…figuring in my heart you prefer her over me as you two faced an unspeakable past together in fighting her cancer..this was my reasoning when I felt left out of your little clique of two..unless she has somehow aided in the estrangement, I do not blame my sister/your other daughter but how odd it was when you attempted to help yourself feel better by saying I preferred one daughter over my other. Pot…kettle…but above all-LIES. I adore all of my children and have worked tirelessly to be everything to them that you ARE NOT and WERE NOT to me.
I’ve walked on egg shells all of these years for fear of saying the wrong thing and offending you. Being around you is exhausting. One just never knows what you’ll take offense to. Time after time when you made accusations (some when I was a mere child) I weathered your refusal to believe me or trust me. I’ve weathered your lies about me behind my back (that I have some gambling issue or the one where you claimed I liked to have children and not take care of them or was that one your other daughter went around saying? The list goes on, who knows what you’ve told others, your words of DIScouragement is the bottom line. I weathered your jellyfish like personality time and again. It was phone call STING, conversation STING. Family event-STING…until eventually in December 2016 during our last conversation where you told me I was selfish for hoping to see our grandchild…after NOT seeing her for 10 months…after that very final conversation, I had a hypertensive crisis and had to be taken to hospital…and all you could do was whine that we hadn’t yet said “thank you” for the Christmas gifts for the children. Enough.
In your way you tried–you gave me money and helped me in that regard sometimes (you even took out a small loan for me for which I hope to still pay you back for as I had gotten laid off while we were making the payments and you had to finish paying it) and I will always be quite thankful because I understood this is/was your way of expressing love..to you, love is MONEY and perhaps control… but what I really needed from you over that, was your humanity, acceptance, compassion, love, warmth..your presence! You chose to work a shift that left it to where I rarely saw you. You came home after I went to bed, went to work before I got home from school. When your situation with Tracy didn’t work out because of issues your other daughter was causing within our family and his eventual cheating, you moved us to essentially our own apartment, we rarely saw you because you were either working or at his apartment. From the time I was about 13 on, I was on my own..and don’t try to deny it, I have a lot of witnesses. You later admitted you were on 1st shift once but didn’t like it so you chose to go back to 2nd shift. Wow. Still…I weathered. Alone–but I weathered.
Those years of my life after about age 13 when I rarely saw you because you were with your boyfriend, yeah-I weathered that too. Every few days I’d see you, you’d give some money and off again you were. I should’ve moved back down with dad when I had the chance but by then it was too late. The feet were planted.
I know you came from pain yourself. I’ve always been so very proud of you for that. Surviving as you did is truly admirable, but I guess the truth is, none of us can come from painful things completely unscathed.
With you, I’ve always been in the shadows…I tried my best to keep you happy…listen to your criticisms and judgments..I even weathered your attempts to circumvent my place in my eldest daughters life as she battled addiction. This was the hardest of all because I am her mother, not you. Had she NOT been influenced by your negative views of ME, she would’ve trusted me more and we could’ve helped her. So much was lost. The adults in her life should’ve been on the same sheet of music, the other relatives should rally behind the parents in support and unity. All we got was hate, discontent, judgment and finger pointing.
Remember that time you cussed me out on the phone and blamed me for all of it? You called me a “fuckface,” remember that? Did you stop and think for one moment that had you been supportive and loving that maybe-just maybe we could’ve prevented the 7 yrs of hell that was to come? Unlike your desire to blame me, I do not blame you. I just feel there were things we all did that were counterproductive.
The years she was gone, there were times when you knew where she was and kept it from me, you continuously usurped my position by taking over (Hannah’s teeth for example) and I was horrified when Hannah first ran away…and all you could do was sit there in your judgmental chair. No love, no support, no advice. The one who suffered most was Hannah.
Now as you keep my grandchild from me, I must say goodbye. I love you. I want good things for you, but that really is the final straw to these 42 years of toxicity. I allowed you to see your grandchildren whenever you asked…despite your involvement in an abusive situation with a boyfriend. I knew I could trust you to put the children first and they’d be ok. In our home, there is NOTHING like that going in-in fact, there isn’t anything going on that would excuse what you’ve chosen to do. We have a nice home, a happy home. I feel sorry that I’ve been such a disappointment for you and that you find yourself so full of hate and disgust for me, even still why use our grandchild to get even? What has she done wrong in all of this?
You once called me a “fuckface” as I faced the pain of a runaway child. In our final conversation, you repeatedly said “fuck you” over and over. You said I was selfish for hoping to see my granddaughter after NOT seeing her for 10 months…To me, this is NOT love. This is NOT the relationship of a mother and her daughter.
I am choosing the light..I am choosing the positive. I am choosing the joy. My health now depends on it.
I have set myself on fire for you long enough. I forgive you, I wish you well…but I must say goodbye.